Everything Makes Sense in Canada.
by eenodol
Summary: Arnold's gay, but what will Helga do? Homosexuality, sex change surgery, Canada, and even more await you in this tale of the bizzar!
1. Default Chapter

Everything Makes Sense in Canada. (by eenodol.)  
  
(chapter 1)  
  
"You and your goddamn skirt, you look like a goddamn faggot!"  
  
"Helga, you know that's not nice. You shouldn't judge people on their outward appearances. It's not a skirt anyway!"  
  
"Yeah, that's exactly what a queer would say!"  
  
"Fuck off, Helga!"  
  
Helga watched in amazement as Arnold stormed off into the storeroom of Slightly Irregular Womens Clothing.  
  
"Crimeny, what's up with him? All I wanted was a slightly irregular pink dress."  
  
Meanwhile, as Arnold sobs in the storeroom, kept company only by his right handed alter ego..  
  
"She knows I'm gay, she knows I'm gay.. She's going to tell everybody, I know it.."  
  
"She doesn't know you're gay, you dumbass."  
  
"She does too, and don't say that, that's a bad word."  
  
"She doesn't know. She's just insulting you."  
  
"No ones that mean. People don't say things like that unless they know they're true."  
  
"Fine, fine. She knows you're a blatent homosexual. why don't you just run away to Canada, you wimpy left handed queer?"  
  
"Hey, that's not so bad of an idea, Righty."  
  
"What, you thought I was serious, you dumbfuck?"  
  
"I don't care if you were seious, I think I will run away. But, my shift doesn't end for another two hours. Is she still out there?"  
  
"Yep, she's still out there, Lefty."  
  
"Good, I'm gonna go confront her."  
  
"Are you sure you want to do that?"  
  
"Yes, now stay here." With that comment Arnold emerged from the store room and walked up to Helga.  
  
"Hey, watch where you're going, you idiot! Why are your eyes all puffy? Were you crying you football-headed little baby?"  
  
"Okay Helga. I'm going to ring up your dress for you now."  
  
"Fine. But I'm not giving you a tip."  
  
Arnold glanced up at Helga and said in monotone, "We aren't allowed to get tips, Helga."  
  
"Oh, well, whatever, footballhead."  
  
The two walked to the register, Arnold carrying Helga's purchase. After Helga paid for her dress, Arnold bagged it and slid it across the counter.  
  
"Thank you for shoppipng at Slightly Irregular Womens Clothing and if you tell anyone else I'm gay, I'll kill you. Now get out."  
  
"Fine, whatever, footballhead."  
  
Helga grabbed her bag and stormed out of the store. Leaning against a lightpost, she sighed.  
  
"Oh, my sweet oblong shaped head of a love has touched this.. and it's going to touch me.. I'll never wash it! Never never never never never never never! Waitaminute, gay? Oh what cruel fate has been bestowed upon me! My one true love, a homosexual!"  
  



	2. Everything Makes Sense in Canada. (ch2)

Everything Makes Sense in Canada. (by eenodol.)  
  
(chapter 2)  
  
Meanwhile, at Arnold's apartment.,,  
  
"No, no, not the yamulka! You're not even Jewish, you stupid left handed bastard! Pack lightly, we have to hitchhike to Canada!"  
  
"But, Righty, that has sentimental value. I remember the day I got it.. Wolfgang had just thrown me into the dumpster, and there it was, all perfect and Jewish and covered with banana goo."  
  
"Oh, is that what that is? I always thought it was your--"  
  
"Shut up! You think you're so smart, you'd be nothing without me! Nothing! Hey, wait a minute, you're nothing now."  
  
"That mey be, but at least I'm not a little left handed queer."  
  
"Now you've gone too far!" Arnold said as he shoved his right handed partner into his suitcase and slammed it shut.  
  
"Hey, you have to open this suitcase sometime."  
  
"Yeah, but by then we'll be in Canada. And everything, even you, makes sense in Canada."  
  
  
Meanwhile, outside of Slightly Irregular Women's Clothing Helga stood sobbing.  
  
"Oh why, oh why is my Romeo a big fat queer? I must confess my love to him, I'll make him straight yet!"  
  
She ran into the store, taking out several small children and a rack of slightly irregular pink dresses before she reached the counter.  
  
"Where's Arnoldo the gay boy?" She asked the clerk.  
  
"Huh? Who? Oh, He hasn't been to work in days. And wearing a skirt doesn't make someone gay."  
  
"It's not a skirt! And he is queer." With that Helga ran out of the clothing store in search of her true love. 


	3. Everything Makes Sense in Canada. (ch3)

Everything Makes Sense in Canada. (by eenodol.)  
  
(chapter 3)  
  
On the plane..  
  
"Let me out!" cried Righty from the overhead compartment, where he was safely and securely stored.  
  
"No! And shut up before someone realizes I've shoved you into my suitcase and kicks up off the plane!"  
  
"Who are you talking to?" asked the the innocent looking three year old girl with perfect curls and a big crisp blue bow in her hair.  
  
"Oh.. No one.. just.. umm.. uhhhh... yeah, that's who I'm talking to. And I'm not gay, dammit!"  
  
The little girl began to sob and ran down the isle to her mother.  
  
"Mommy, Mommy, stranger is gay and talking to himself!"  
  
"It's okay sweetie, all homosexuals talk to themselves."  
  
"I do not! Wait, I'm not gay!" Everyone turned to stare at Arnold. "What are all of you looking at? And you shut up before they hear!"  
  
"Now see what you gone and done, you stupid left handed queer with a footballhead and plaid skirt?"  
  
"It's not a skirt, dammit!"  
  
Meanwhile, at Arnolds house..  
  
"Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?" It was then that Helga spotted the sign on the door. "Oh, he's just gone fishing, in Canada... Canada!" Helga fell to the porch and sobbed. 


	4. Everything Makes Sense in Canada. (ch4)

Everything Makes Sense in Canada. (by eenodol.)  
  
(chapter 4)  
  
"Oh why would my gorgeous footballheaded lover run away to Canada? I can see him now as he approaches his plane, his cornsilk hair flowing in the wind. I must go to him!"  
  
Helge turned to leave, but then realized that she couldeasily enter his house and take anything of which her footballheaded lover had touched. She tried to pry open the window in vain before realizing that the front door was unlocked.  
  
As Helga entered the house she looked around in amazement.  
  
"Why are there two of everything? Two refrigerators? Two bunkbeds? "Two sets of encyclopedias? And everything's labeled either 'property of Lefty' or 'property of Righty.' " She pondered the thought for a moment. "But which is Arnold and which is his roommate? Wait, Arnold doesn't have a roommate!"  
  
'Oh well,' she thought, 'If i'm going to take anything I'd better just take both of them.'  
  
She pondered what to take. At first she thought, 'I'll take the couches because they're touched his cute little butt!' Then she realized that they were much to big. For a moment she considered calling Phoebe and renting a U-Haul, but then she remembered that time was of the essence and the Hawaiian novelty hula dancer salt shakers instead.  
  
"And now I must go to the airport and purchase a ticket to Canada where I shall find my love and turn him straight again!" 


End file.
